Allow yourself some
stalking time. It sounds strange and everyone will be telling you the
complete opposite – “why are you still staring at his Facebook profile? Block him!”
At first, this won’t help. You’re not a robot. You can’t just cut all ties with
someone who up until very recently was your best friend in the whole world. If you
can delete him off
Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, then bravo, well done you. You’re a hero. If not,
don’t panic too much. It’s normal to be wondering what he’s up to or how he’s
handling the situation. Yes, sometimes you’ll well up looking at old photos of
the two of you and yes, other times you’ll want to punch your computer screen
just for seeing an image of his face. That’s fine. You’re a woman. We tend to
change our minds like that. Just don’t spend all day brooding over photos of
old memories. That will just eat you up inside.
Prepare your liver. Your
friends will automatically want to take you out and wine and dine you. That’s
because they love you, and what better way to show you than by holding your
hair back as you throw up the contents of your stomach into the toilets in
Babylon? But sometimes, you’ll feel as if you need time on your own. You’ve
probably not had a lot of alone time since you’ve just come out of a serious
relationship, so at first, it will feel a little strange. You won’t know which
TV programmes to watch, you won’t find things as funny anymore and
occasionally, you’ll zone out and completely miss what happened at the end of
Coronation Street. But it’s important not to spend too much time on your own
just yet. You need to be around those who love you, so that will probably
involve a tankard of wine.
Don’t slag him off
too much. After all, if he really is a “whiny, controlling gay boy with a
two inch penis who couldn’t make you orgasm”, why were you with him for so
long? We all know that isn’t true – yourself included. Up until a few weeks
ago, you were singing this person’s praises, so don’t go full circle and slag
him off, calling him every name under the sun. You’ll look bitter, not better.
Buy nice underwear. So,
you’ve been in a long term relationship. You probably do have some lovely bras and knickers stashed somewhere in your
bedroom, but let’s face it. You’ve worn your comfy undies for far too long. Go out
and buy brand new sexy lingerie. Trust me. You’ll feel so much more confident
with Victoria’s Secret protecting your nether regions. Even if it just gives
you a secret little boost, you’ll feel like you’ve got your shit together. Plus,
if you ever went into hospital (fingers crossed you don’t), the doctors will be
checking you out as they stuff you into a hospital gown. You don’t want to be
the girl they snigger at as they hastily cover up your Mr Tickle knickers on an
operating table. You want them to go: “Holy shit. Have you seen this girl?
Dayyym.”
Concentrate on your
appearance. I’m not saying pay for a boob job or get your lips done. It’s
just that you’ve been so comfortable for the last few months that it honestly didn’t
matter that you weren’t wearing make up to work or that you’d worn the same
dress on the last two nights out. Everybody knew that you were the girl with
the boyfriend. You weren’t looking to pull anyone. But suddenly, you’ll find
yourself in the spotlight and you might not be used to that. People will look
at you differently. Make sure you wear make up, have nice clean hair and pretty
clothes at all times. Trust me. You don’t want it being fed back to your ex
that you “must have been having an off day” when one of his mates bumps into you
at the pub.
Pamper yourself. That’s
right. This is the fun bit. My personal advice would be to go to Boots, spend
at least £30 on Soap & Glory products – bubble bath, shower gel, body
butter. You name it. Maybe indulge in some new make up. Buy some hair dye. Be brave
and book yourself in for a bikini wax or an eyebrow threading session. If you’re
in the position to be able to, dedicate at least half of your wages on treating
yourself. Seen a gorgeous pair of shoes in River Island? Buy them. Feeling a
little bit pale? Fake tan. Hands looking a bit plain? Get your nails done. Not only
will you look better, but trust me, you’ll feel like a prin. Nothing says “ha,
fuck you, look what you lost” than a mani/pedi and a strong eyebrow game.
Forget about dieting.
The heartbreak diet will take care of that all by itself. What’s important
at first is to make sure you’re putting something inside your body. That sounds
repulsive, but I’m just referring to food. Even if all you fancy is a whopping
slice of chocolate cheesecake and a family sized bag of Doritos, indulge. Your eating
will be all over the show for the first few weeks, maybe even months, so you
need to eat if and when you can. You’ll still burn it off and you’ll probably be
eating 50% less than what you were guzzling when you were in a relationship. Either
way, you’ll drop at least half a stone without trying. Once you’ve got over the
wobbly bit (the first eight weeks of a break up), then you can actively try to
lose weight. It will fall off you and I can’t stress this point enough –
nothing is better than running into your ex and have him tell you that you’ve
lost weight. Just smile, say thank you and walk on.
Do not sleep around. There’s
two things that tend to happen when a girl becomes newly single. You either cut
yourself off from all men and practically tie a sandwich board round your neck
that says “I’m still hurting. Please don’t talk to me. I just want my ex” or,
even worse, you sleep with everything in sight. Either of these scenarios aren’t
particularly great, but you definitely do not want to do the latter. Meaningless
sex might sound ideal. After all, you’ve gone cold turkey after having sex on
tap for a very long time – but you’ll feel empty and insignificant afterwards.
Not to mention risking the whole unwanted baby/sexually transmitted disease
malarkey. Imagine bumping into your ex as you’re leaving the GUM clinic?
Exactly. I’m not saying abstain. But maybe just give it at least two or three
months before you put yourself out there again. Nobody wants to be remembered
as the girl who lay there and cried during a one night stand, whilst sobbing
into a pillow: “That’s not how my ex does it”. Time is a fantastic thing. A
couple of months later, you won’t be ready to date, but a little bit of rumpy
bumpy might be just what you need.
Throw out your ex
boyfriend shrine. Not straight away. You need a few days to grieve. But the
earlier, the better. If you’re having a low day, you’ll feel even shittier if
you reach under your bed and pull out last year’s Valentines Day card. Bin the
presents. Burn the cards. Throw away his comfy hoodie. It will be like a breath
of fresh air. And if you really feel as if you can’t do it, enlist the help of
one of your mates. They’ll do it without you having to see, and they’ll
probably love every second.
Ignore stupid people.
I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times people said to me: “There’s
plenty more fish in the sea”. At first, I used to smile and nod and agree. After
a while, I would snap back at them: “But I want that fish! My fish! Fuck you!”
I’m not ashamed to say, I was an ogre. If it wasn’t for the wonderful people of
Carphone Warehouse call centre, I genuinely think I’d still be a mess. My team
were wonderful, protecting me from questions I didn’t want to answer and
deterring unwanted male attention away from my desk. Approximately three days
after a break up, you will receive a message from a repulsive male, claiming to
be asking how you’re doing. Don’t fall for it. He’s trying to get you to trust
him, so he can take advantage of you when you’re at your most vulnerable. Don’t
even message him back. You’re hurting, and you’re allowed time to heal without having to ward off creeps.
Set yourself little
goals. What is it that you’ve been meaning to do for the last few months
that you’ve never quite got round to doing? Are you saving up to buy a new car?
Did you want to go on holiday? Maybe start a new college course? Do it now. For
me, it was passing my driving test. I am the world’s worst driver and I’d been
really half arsed about my driving lessons. I dreaded them and performed terribly
in every single one. As soon as I was single, it became an obsession. My designated
taxi driver had disappeared from my life, meaning I needed that extra bit of
independence. Two months after being dumped and I had a pink license and a
brand new car. You can do it, and now
you have all the time in the world.
Keep smiling. Yes,
your face will ache as though it hasn’t moved for a hundred years, but the
truth is, there’s still loads of things to smile about. Go outside in the
sunshine. Get stuck into a new book. Demolish a bottle of wine. Catch up with
the soaps. Buy a new pair of shoes every weekend. Put the world to rights with
your mum. Go on a massive walk until your thighs start to ache. Or my personal
favourite: stock up on crappy magazines – you’ll find out more than you care to
know about Z list celebrities but at least you’ll know what everyone else is on
about in work the next day, so even if you’re having a bad day and don’t want
to talk to anyone, you’re not out of touch with the world.
Cut all ties with his
family and friends. This is possibly the worst part of a break up. You’ve
broken up with just one person, but it affects so many others. Unless you’ve
been living under a rock for the last year or so, you’re probably right in the
heart of his family and his home. There might even be photographs of you
knocking around his mum’s mantelpiece. His granny might knit you a sweater
every Christmas. His brothers might call you ‘sis’. This bit is a killer. My ex’s
mum was a total gem and we got on like a house on fire, but the sad thing is,
the only reason you know his family is because of him. And he’s a twat. Therefore,
you need to say your goodbyes in a dignified way and carry on with your life.
They might send a message to you from time to time. They might not. Either way,
you’ve got your own family around you and they won’t ever let you down.
Embrace the
possibility that you may sleep with him again. It’s the hardest thing in
the world. It’s been a few weeks. You’re starting to sleep properly again. You’re
only crying yourself to sleep maybe three times a week now. Just when you’re
beginning to see a teeny tiny little light at the end of the tunnel, he texts
you. This is what I like to call The Seagull Ex Boyfriend. The one who senses
that you’re getting over him, so he flies in, shits everywhere and flies back
off again. You might fall for this. After all, he’s the person you loved more
than anyone. You might find yourself back in his arms again. It’s not ideal,
but it happens more than people care to admit. Just be careful, don’t believe
his words and put it down as a one off. It cannot be a regular occurrence. Your
friends will tell you not to sleep
with him. Your best friends will
accept that you have and still love you anyway. Believe me. I know.
Keep your chin up. Don’t
be the sort of girl who updates her status every five minutes crying about how
much she misses him. You’re better than that. Admittedly, you’ll have people
checking your page every now and then to see if there’s any latest gossip. If you
genuinely don’t think you can cope with putting on a happy face, deactivate everything.
Take a few weeks to get your shit together. Then come back, and let everyone
know that you’re fine. He will hear
about it. He will be glad you’re
doing okay, but don’t let that allow him back into your life. Spend as much
time as possible with your funniest friends. The ones who make you cry laughing.
Those are the types of people who
will make you genuinely happy.
And finally, just
remember that you will start to feel better. You’re a prinny. You’re an absolute
hun. He knows it, everyone around you knows it and more importantly, so do you.
It might not be for a while yet, but one day, you’re going to wake up and he won’t be the first thing you think of. You’ll
wash your face, brush your teeth, do your hair and make up, get dressed and go
to work. You’ll have your first cup of coffee, take your break, and just as you’re
sitting down to lunch, you’ll think: “Wow. Okay. I’ve not thought about The
Gobshite for five whole hours.” It will take you by surprise, but it will
happen. Eventually, that five hours will turn into a day. That day will turn
into a week. And so on and so on. Each day, little by little, you’ll start to
heal.
Keep smiling,
princess, you’re doing great.
